When my kids were growing up, I watched other, older parents experience empty-nest syndrome. It seemed that instead of moving on with their new lives, they were stuck trying to figure out how to fill the gap left by their kids’ flight from home. So I judged them to be poor planners. My internal conversation went something like this, “You’ve had at least 18 years to plan for your kids’ departure, so what’s the problem?”
Determined to avoid that trap, I made a list of all the things that would keep me busy once my children had grown. At times when my life had space only for juggling kids and work, I would remind myself to enjoy the time I did have with my family, knowing that when they had moved on I could turn to those interests that I had put on hold.
Eventually, all three of my children were gone, and I was left with an empty nest. I focused my time and attention on the list I had made for just this occasion…and it didn’t work. What I mean is that I embarked on some wonderful activities. I filled the kid gap with volunteering at the local hospital, intensifying my karate training schedule, buying a house, and spending more time with friends, but even so, I had a huge hole in my soul. In short, I got really depressed.
That is when I learned that the empty-nest syndrome has nothing to do with feeling empty of things to do after the children have moved on. It has everything to do with re-evaluating one’s place in the world. For 25 years, my identity was attached to being a mom and a breadwinner. Since I had put most other things on hold during that time, when the roles of mom and breadwinner were no longer required, I was left with an overwhelming sense of loss–not of the kids, but of myself.
The past two years have been about re-discovering myself, and I have enlisted many people to join me on my journey. They have moved me forward when I dug in my heels, encouraged me when I wanted to give up, and have ultimately helped me renew my sense of purpose in the world. From having daily conversations with a good friend…to attending weekly classes about transforming my life…to creating the life that I love with a group of fabulous, powerful women…I am in the next phase of a beautifully rich life. And included in that, I have the privilege of being with my grown children, whose own lives have unfolded in extraordinary ways.
At this point, I am profoundly grateful for the empty nest that has offered me a gift of renewal and excitement for things to come.
Aging Without a Roadmap 